pain...

how to be strong?

i am not a blogger naturally….

i don't read a lot of them, but i really enjoy doing it myself. 

i only thought about blogging when several of my Facebook friends suggested it….

so…

 here i am….

raw and up close…

 to me it is like a personal journal…

i thank all of you for reading, 
and 

its very encouraging 
the number of people that read and enjoy my blog
daily….

again, i thank you…

my "love blogs" 
 get the most attention...

they are without question
the most popular...

usually i am apprehensive about them and always wonder

 if i have shared too much….

but…

i am a huge believer in love …..

a sucker for it... 

being in love is hard, time takes it's toll...

what holds us together?

it's complicated, but

 i appreciate all the complications 
and struggles that come with love… 

isn't that  what makes it 

 real?

isn't it the pain that makes us feel the most?

the yin and yang.

i am not easy, probably never will be, 

i probably will never have the relationship that doesn't

argue or fight….

so in return i have always embrace my passion and lust for

love and life…..

this is where i wonder if too much is too much….

 are there the perfect couple doing all

the fun, perfect  things?

me,

 i don't know i thought my life was  pretty 

right on and awesome 

until 

about two weeks ago….

ok….

was it really? 

i have no idea, all i really know despite of everything

i have loved this man….

and i know without question he loves me….

but…. 

are we strong enough….

it doesn't seem so anymore….

how did this change? 

how does one person lose sight?

haven't i already said in my past  "love blogs"

leaving is easy, staying is hard….

that is

something i truly believe

love,  true love is reciprocated…

we,

 along the way may think we are in love,
 but only 

and only when it is a mutual feeling …

is it real….

so here i am back to my question…

how does one lose sight??

are there people incapable of loving?

incapable of understanding the roots of real love…

are there people who "need"...

more than they can give?

and if so, does that make it ok?

where do i find myself in all of this? 

i don't know.

 i am a strong woman

i have made strong decisions in the years that we have been together….

and that has been a misconception….

i have not sacrificed more of myself than i was willing too….

i have always know exactly

who and why i was with him…

with that said, where am i now?

how do i know?

i have molded who i am and what i believe

because i loved him….

and we were us…..

make no mistake molding means giving, 

changing, and  compromising….

so

for all of you out there that love, these "love blogs"

here it is…

up close and personal,

i don't know what to do….

don't know how to face my nightmare.

is this man 
i have put all of my faith in real?

or is he really just some jerk?

the same old jerk

we cringe at the sight of?

am i a fool?

or am i just in love?

will it change?

no.

does he really need me?

am i abandoning him

as well?

who saves who?

is there a way to save us???

how do i find the strength to leave

and stay gone?

my friend told me tonight....

"well no one ever got tough toes by walking on marsh mellows.

shit ain't always rainbows...."

-mle

like i have said it's the pain 
that keeps us strong...




i am trying...